Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm a ridiculous arachnophobe (to clarify, language-wise, I mean that the arachnophobia is ridiculous, not the me). So stupidly arachnophobic that I will throw a tantrum if you come near me with a ball of dust I deem suspicious.
It is for this reason that the first two weeks of September are my least favourite of the whole year. You know those massive behemoth spiders, the ones that make the floor move as they stamp across it and are the size of a small cat? This is the two weeks of the year during which they all decide to go on an excursion.
Why? Because they're male and they want a shag, why else? For all other arachnophobes, here is the information you always wanted, but could never google for fear of the images that might come up:
1) They will only be around for two weeks, and tonight marks the first official sighting - have just had a text from Best Mate to say she caught one doing the hokey cokey at the bottom of the stairs.
2) They don't stay long, so all is not lost if you lose one of the speedy little bastards under the sofa - they're hunting for the ladeez, you see.
3) They don't come up the plughole - if you find them in the sink it's because they're thirsty. But I always leave plugs in and sellotape up the overflow pipe just to be sure. Paranoid? Don't be ridiculous.
4) They do not like lemongrass or peppermint oils. Sprinkle liberally on thresholds to deter at least a percentage of the leggy fuckers.
5) There's no point trying to drown them, they don't have hearts or lungs. Which makes perfect sense to me.
Just two weeks and I can relax. Guh :(
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8 comments:
OMG thats why those bastards have been in the bathroom for a few days!
Simon managed to kill two and leave them IN the plughole cos they wouldn't go down (typical man -.-) and then I had to get my mum to come get one off the ceiling, I had visions of it dropping on my head as I brushed my teeth :((
I had two last week. They swiftly felt the wrath of my shoe!
Last week? Honestly? Think carefully Tim, it's vital to arachnophobes the country wide that we know when the influx began!
OMFG I'm now stuck in my computer chair cos i dont wanna put my feet on the floor and im itching like mad!! I also check under the loo seat EVERY time now, thanks to you :P
Lolly is referring to the time I used my bathroom in my parents' old house after a long period of disuse and, upon flushing, discovered a stripey long-legged wall-borne bastard the size of my palm had been lurking under the rim. And would it flush? Would it hell!
If you flush em, they just grow bigger and then reappear the next year, it's true!
You are EVIL, you know that?
*hides in the closet with a giant can of spider spray and refuses to come out until they are gone*
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