Thursday, 10 September 2009

A prison made of self

For a very long time I've felt lonely and useless. It goes back, annoyingly, to the job I was working in at the beginning of the year - though, for the record, not to the insults from my "superior" that my career, education and life in general were useless and laughable.

I would like to blame it on that whole experience, but it wouldn't be the truth: I went quiet not only because I was working 11-hour days while pushing 3 or 4 more in the attempt to pull myself out and couldn't keep up, but because I couldn't pretend I was ok. And so I ceased to find any pleasure in texting, calling, blogging, logging into SL, Plurk - all of it. And so began the decline.

For some reason, I feel the need to reassure everyone I love that I'm fine. I feel the need to not burden them with my useless crap, though my biggest fault is wondering why they don't already know, while at the same time being aware they cannot know if I don't tell them. So I disappear to lick my wounds, and wallow, and then have no idea how to come back, and every attempt I make falls flat precisely because I'm holding back.

I know so many amazing people, and so many I love and admire, and at some point I stopped knowing how to let them know how much I care. But, if you're reading this and wondering whether it's you I mean: yes it is. And I miss you all, more than I can express.

8 comments:

Shelly@Moonshine said...

Stop making me cry.
And you know, sometimes it's annoying that we're SO much alike!

Love you muchly.
More than dry stones and dry birds.

<3

Tim said...

Well bless you!

And: HUGS!

Pignut said...

There really is no need for you to disappear when you feel like this. No one who cares about you will mind listening if you need to talk and talk and talk about whatever's on your mind. Christ knows, you've listened to my whining on many occasions, and I expect you've done the same for everyone you love, so it's time for us to repay the numerous favours. Hope you're okay xx

Danni said...

*squishes*

You take care of yourself. I don't want sad Willow. I hope you feel better soon.

Canimal said...

oh, honey!!!!!!!!!! I wish I was close enough to come give you the BIGGEST HUG EVER!!!! If you wanna talk I'll always listen & know that I think your one of the best people I know so you deserve better then anything that makes you feel that way!! Love you very very much!

Willis said...

You know how I feel about all this, i've told you a gazillionty times. There is no burdening a friend, friends talk... they talk about issues, they just natter about shit... it's give and taken.

You *need* to stop hiding, because in turn others will hide from you, trust me i've been there, done it, lost friends because of it. Your friends are there for YOU, no matter what you it is, the sad you, the happy you, the silly you, the serious you.. just you.

I get sad sometimes because I don't have that many special friends, I don't have many people that I feel see me as a unique friend, I am replaced all too easily in every life, or thats how it seems at times, and then... I slink off... so I know how you're feeling and I know you're strong enough to get through just about anything.

Big hugs and lots of love, and if you don't start talking to me, I will twat you with pans.

:)

Kitty Lalonde said...

I'd like to second Willis cos she got it spot on, and I'd also like to offer *hugs*

watch*paint*dry said...

I shall feed you salmon and potatoes and wine and laughter, because I miss you like crazy too. And no matter where you are at in your head, I will still be there, probably clinging to your leg like a child, because I love you any which way you are. And always.

I am also hatching cunning plans to lure you out of hiding with cheese.